What are the rules of marriage? The unwritten ones?

Bookworm
#1. February 2nd, 2009, at 8:00 AM.

Trust and Respect. If you dont have it on both sides you dont have marriage. Also you need to be able to communicate with each other. If you feel you cant then get into couple counseling. But dont EVER lie to do something you want to do. TRUST!

kimm0101
#2. February 5th, 2009, at 7:05 PM.

im sure there are guys who are secure enough in themselves to let their wives go out with male friends but to be honest i have not met any. your husband is scared of losing you. so i really dont think he “knows” you wont cheat on him. all and all as sad as it may be i think your relationship is pretty typical. just something u have to work through
good luck

vanhammer
#3. February 8th, 2009, at 3:44 PM.

I am a married man and I would never tell my wife that she couldn’t see her girlfriends. As far as guy friends, she has always had more guy friends than girlfriends, but they all live in another state. I’m not sure I’d be comfortable with my wife going out with guy friends every week or on a regular basis. My wife invited me to go to lunch with she & a guy friend when we were dating and I thought it was cool that she included me and wanted her friend and I to meet. I think husbands are more comfortable if they know the other guy & are maybe friends with him, too. Just be sensitive to the situation and put the shoe on the other foot. How would you feel about him meeting up with female friends regularly? Think it over & you’ll make the right decision for you. Good luck and be happy.

spaznskitz
#4. February 9th, 2009, at 1:51 PM.

Honestly, there aren’t any written or unwritten rules really…marriages are what two people make of it…and you make your own rules as you go along…

Your problem, is that when you were making the rules, you didn’t object & discuss them like you should have, and now you are suffering the consequenses. Like not being able to see your girlfriends (whihc, btw, is completely unreasonable)That is really hard to undo.

It really depends on how easy it is for you to talk to your husband as to how easy it is going to be for you to change the “rules” you two have made for each other…

Regarding the baby shower, do yourself a favor…and much as it sucks, skip it…what is more important is working on changing the “rule” than breaking it discreetly…and you will only make it harder for yourself to change it if you break it right before trying.

what you need to work on doing is make your friends his friends as well…have a brunch at your home on a sunday…help him with his insecurities by helpng him get to know who you are going to be around…then talk to him about changing things because it is making you unhappy…

He has to come to the realization that what matters if you get flirted with is your response…not the fact you are being flirted with…and if you can’t do it yourself, then I suggest you try marriage counseling…before it becomes something you resent and hurts your marriage..

innerradiancecoaching
#5. February 12th, 2009, at 2:29 PM.

What you describe is disturbing to me. The reason it’s disturbing is it reminds me of my former marriage and how things were. Now, admittedly it was partly my fault because I didn’t stand up for myself or speak my mind about how I felt about things. But I was not “allowed” to do anything I wanted to do without my husband’s permission. What happened was after 12 years of marriage I woke up one day and realized I didn’t exist.

You say he limits you to who you can talk to and how often. Have you told him you’re not comfortable with this arrangement? No one, including your husband, has the right to tell you who you can spend time with and who you can’t. That’s controlling and shows a lack of trust on his part.

Your husband may be concerned about your guy friends and something happening between you and them. Invite him to join in some of your activities with them so he can see he has nothing to worry about. If he refuses, that’s on him but at least you’re not trying to hide anything.

You’re right you don’t want to lie to him. So don’t. Let him know you’re going out and who you’re going out with. Don’t ask his permission, tell him what you’re doing. You have a right to expect more. And you’re absolutely right that life will pass you by if you allow this situation to continue.

I would strongly recommend that you address this condition in your relationship with him by being completely honest about how you feel. If he’s not willing to change his attitude I would recommend that you both go for counseling to try to work things out. If he refuses to go, you go alone. He may be a great guy but this is not a healthy aspect to your relationship. You say you’re happily married but this is something that, if not addressed soon, can become a big problem later on. Better to take care of it now, while you’re still happy.