Drug Rehab

Question by bitter sweet rose.: please read my story called: Across The Red Line and Back.?
“Bree come on we have to go. Jason and the doctors aren’t going to be happy.” ” Cane please I need this I haven’t had a beer sense rehab.” “Bree you already had 10 beers and 1 wine.” “Your point is?” “Bree i’m calling Jason.” “Can’t hear you!” “BREE COME ON!” “Ok ok i’m coming Peace out homies!” “Why do you always do that to me?” “Bree i’m sorry if you don’t like it but you put yourself in rehab.” Damn I run over a kid one time,one time and you NEVER let me forget it!” “Your damn right me and Jason hated seeing you like that. All we want to do is get you on the right path again.”
“In other words your not going to let me drink,smoke or let me out of your site are you?” ” Hell No!” “Damn your killing my buzz.” “BREE LOOK OUT!! Bree almost hit a little kid that ran out on the road she swerved and hit a tree. “Bree? Bree? Bree please wake up…please Cane says as he starts to cry. “Jason Jason please you got to get over here Bree and I was in a car crash.” “WHAT? are you ok? Is she?” she is unconscious.” “Ok ok I will be there in a few minutes call the police.” “Ok…Cane starts to cry again and lays down next to Bree to try and keep her warm. The ambulances came to get Bree.
Cane followed her to the hospital,waited with Jason until the doctors came out. “How is she?” Cane ask,tired of waiting for the answer.
The doctor looked down took a deep breathe and said boys I know you loved her but i’m afraid to say she died before we could operate. At this Cane and Jason both start to cry. But it was Cane that said: “Why did I Iet her drive?” “I don’t know Cane why did you?” Jason screams. And walks away, Leaving Cane standing in the middle of the waiting room sobing.Cane gets up at closing time and walks out as well. All night he tossed and turned with the last few minutes of Bree’s life in his mind.

Cane couldn’t take the loss with in a week he was additcted to drugs,came home drunk more and more and lost his job.Within
a month Cane was living outside GoodWill in a cardboard box,begging for money from strangers passing by.He had litterally cracked some people said after he saw Bree’s face in the newspaper.

As for Jason no one knows. Some say he left town.others say he killed himself or became gay. Jason was last seen The day of Bree’s death. 2 years ago today, December 23, 2003 12:00 pm right around where they crashed. No one questioned it until now. The police think Jason had something to do with her death. And that’s what i’m going to find out. The police dug up her grave yesterday to inspect the body but what they found was an empty grave And a note with Bree written in blood. and in it said My death was not an accidet, and the bar wasn’t either Bree.

i know it’s long but i have had complaints about the lengh on some other story’s so thanks and please tell me what you think.

Best answer:

Answer by Matthew B
you need to break up the dialogue in the beginning, I was so confused, there was some spelling errors too.
There is also a lot of telling in the story, try to show action or events more.
I am assuming you are young, so these things will come with time and practice. Good luck and keep writing.

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